gloomy sunday

As imagens no meu cérebro me perseguem como uma maldição. Meus olhos nunca saem daquilo que não vi e que ainda assim me cega num oceano de lágrimas. Cada centímetro do meu corpo lateja ao erguer a cabeça pro céu sem saber todos os nomes de Deus. Meu coração encolhe e expande sem proporção alguma, fugindo em batidas pelo meu peito. Minha boca se odeia, contorce em nervosismo e terrores de inutilidade. Meus dedos tremem em seu crescimento, sempre soando ritualisticamente no teclado. No meu estômago há algo que não foi feito pra ser digerido, há um corpo estranho, irreconhecível, terrível, cruel. Minha garganta contrai em tentativas de me enforcar, sempre testemunhando meus gritos inaudíveis. Minha perna arde, como uma lembrança instantânea do pesadelo da minha noite. Minha pele rasgada por lobos está feia e idiota e desprezível e envelhecida. Meus sonhos não trazem nada além da tristeza em sua improbabilidade. Meu choro se repete sem que eu perceba, meu rosto se contorcendo em formas tão medonhas quanto aquilo que sinto. Minha voz não sabe mais rir, só se perder em eternas lamentações fast food. Meus sentimentos se misturam em um só, na dor mais estúpida possível. Meus clamores derretem em sua frugalidade lamentável, em uma solidão que não me deixa. Minhas noites se transmitem perdidas, idiotas, esquecidas.

Minhas palavras não conseguem chegar nem perto do quanto dói.

hymn to her

two boys sit dumbstruck by the steps of the old church,

two hearts hopelessly tryin to make it out alive, pushin and

stroking their way into the other side, screamin and

bleedin violently as the night passes them by, nothing new

and nothing grew except when my eyes saw those

two beautiful deep green seas in hers, and all those

feelings before raced out of my fuckin mind, my fuckin

dramas were all left the fuck behind, except for that

fear of openin my mouth and hear whatever sound

came out of it, rushin through my emotions and loud

motions heard all across my bones as i tried to make

my way, she said “boy can you pass me the drink”,

and without a sound I had to comply, the glass of whichever

disgutin drink i was having was suddenly long gone from

my old bones as i stared blankly into the chuch and so i

realize that long months have passed me by without

a fuckin trace as i saw you driftin out of my sight,

you asked if we could be polite, educated and nice,

but as always i could only be a fuckin animal, scare as a mice,

rattled and bothered by the weight of my own soul,

lost and puzzled by my lack of depth, then it was my old song

feelin fresh as new, and i saw then and said “fuck everything,

i just love you”, and you said “i love you too” as you held

my pregnant ugly head from fallin apart in those

eternal moments i had to face every night, but those demons never sleep,

always breathin deeply and soundly, annoyingly ever present in my

dreams when i should be just dreamin of you but instead

more often than not get me wondering if you’re dreamin too,

feels like light-years behind and all those heavy days touch

the side of my face where you used to kiss and now my fingers

get their fuckin kicks out of pointin at my flaws, but love knows no laws

and nothing should be unbreakable in this scary world,

nothing is new and yet i feel so old approachin it, losin myself

in wonder from our glory days, those days when i wanted the white

of snow in a dress, but right now there’s no tan line in your index finger,

no marks of me in your body linger, that’s only fair given

my state of mind when i had to catch that plane and i feared to die

and now i can only fear not livin with you.

two boys sat ever dumbstruck by the steps of the same church,

for all those years left behind catchin dust in the corner of my mind,

as my childhood flails its way into the abyss of my heart,

for all those tears fallin like rain in yet another sunny day,

don’t wait up, anywhere i lay my head i won’t call home,

for all those times shimmerin in the dark as my eyes adjust,

there was nothing there for me just my own old Jesus,

for all those paths i crossed with my head hangin high,

how low could i get before i got myself to stop that,

for all those bats in the attic of my past,

and just how many more songs can i copy before i die,

for all those laughable caves i created as waterfalls,

bombs fallin hard and hard in my burnin bed,

for all those avalanches in those seconds before i sleep,

and this comin from who never saw the snow,

for all those restless nights wondering who could catch your ear,

printin my everlastin paranoia in shadows in the woods,

for all those minutes i spent lovin you and i don’t regret any of them,

no matter how much the world might hurt us, we won’t break,

for all those speeches about never surrenderin, i hope they’re true,

because i’ll never give you up, i hope you do that do,

for all those plans we have i wish you keep them close to your heart,

my dear, nothing could ever tear us apart, believe in me as i believe in you.